Families Healing in Love
By Ellie Weiser
Autumn, 2005
Almost every day, we at the Institute are privileged to hear extraordinary
and inspiring stories from Process Graduates about the changes in
their lives and families. We are going to share some of these stories
with you over the next few editions of the Light News. This issue
contains interviews of two families by Ellie Weiser. Ellie completed
the Process in July 2005. She is a corporate communications/marketing
professional in the health food industry.
In August 2003, the Hoffman Institute’s Board of Directors
adopted the following resolution as it relates to the Institute’s
existence: “The Purpose of the Hoffman Institute is to bring
forth unconditional love, compassion, presence, and peace in service
to humanity and to the light.”
Those of us who have been fortunate enough – some might say
courageous enough – to complete the Hoffman Quad-rinity Process
know the truth of these words firsthand. Many of us emerged from
the Process having found a uniquely personal, yet profoundly universal
understanding and appreciation for ourselves, for the Light within
and beyond, for others in our lives, and for humanity at large.
When returning home from the Process, many of us find that those
around us can’t help but notice our newfound sense of serenity,
openness, and ease. Friends, co-workers, and especially family members
who previously experienced our negative love patterns often wonder,
“How did this happen, and how can I find it!!??”
The good news is that more and more of our family members are
doing just that. A large percentage of Hoffman Graduates have at
least one family member who is a Process Graduate. This collective
search for self-awareness and release from the grip of destructive
patterns of negative love often results in wonderful changes to
each family member and to the family as a whole.
To understand firsthand some of the changes that take place in
families, I had the honor of interviewing members of two families
in which several people had completed the Process. Each person’s
sharing of his/her own personal journey and its impact on the family
follows.
 Kevin
Young, 49, of New Jersey is the father of four children. He and
his two eldest children, Nick (24) and Katie (21), are Hoffman Graduates.
Kevin found his way to the Process this past January, when he sought
forgiveness for issues in his marriage. He felt the need to reconnect
with his inner self and to learn to move his life from a place in
which he felt stuck. Kevin’s daughter, Katie, attended the
Process in July and her older brother, Nick, attended in August.
Ellie Weiser: Kevin, before doing the Hoffman
Process, how did negative love patterns affect your family’s
dynamic? How did it change after the Process?
Kevin: Before the Hoffman Process,
we frequently fell into vicious cycles of expectations, rejection,
distrust, invalidation, blaming self and others, anxiety, and so
on, around and around, again and again. In the Process, I saw clearly
that the forces that shaped the self-defeating and damaging aspects
of my thinking, values, and behavior were learned. Doing the Process
was like being re-born – I learned I could recycle, and that
“I am not my patterns!”
EW: Besides recycling, which tools did you take
home – how do you use them in your daily life?
Kevin: I think about “The River of Life”
every time I leave the house. I remember that life is an adventure
– full of excitement, not anxiety. I listen to “I Am
That I Am” twice a week because it keeps me grounded and centered
in my essence. Remembering the choice between the Left Road vs.
the Right Road reminds me that I am responsible for my own happiness
and no one else’s. It’s incredible to know that my children
now have and use these tools as well.
EW: What was it like to consider having Nick
and Katie take the Process? Did you have fear about how the family
dynamic might change?
Kevin: When I signed up, I was literally up against
the wall because I had tried other things to find relief but nothing
else had helped. After I did the Process, I became aware of infinite
possibilities, and what an extraordinary gift it was. I wanted my
children to experience this same gift. So, no, I wasn’t afraid.
I couldn’t wait!
EW: Katie, you were the next person to do the
Process. Did you know what you were getting yourself into?
Katie: When my dad got home, I saw dramatic changes
in him – he was open, expressive, much more patient with all
of us. The new him made me far more confident that I would enjoy,
that I could handle it… although if I’m being honest
I must say that at the time I didn’t think I needed to go.
EW: From your perspective, what was the most
positive change to happen in you and your family after all three
of you completed the Process?
Katie: For me personally, it was facing down
some of my greatest fears. The Process taught me “we are all
of the Light.” This gave me a sense of peace, calm, and safety
that I never felt before. I also look at my father differently –
I no longer idolize him. I no longer feel obligated to play the
role of the “perfect child.” Perhaps most importantly,
I understand why my parents and grandparents did what they did,
and now I relate to them without resentment, guilt, or false expectations.
We’re far more supportive – we actually take the time
to talk to each other without judgment. We know we love each other
no matter what.
EW: Nick, you were the third family member to
attend. What got you there?
Nick: My family has a history of depression. After my father came
home, I was super impressed with his serenity and his new ways of
relating with us. My goal going into the Process was to beat the
depression and anxiety that followed me perpetually throughout my
life. Through my Process work, my negative views of life started
to transform. I know how to stop myself from obsessing about the
dark things in life and to keep my focus on the positive. This is
entirely new for me.
EW: Please talk about any changes you have experienced
within your family since the three of you completed the Process.
Nick: There’s been a marked difference in my relationship
with my dad, and his attitude towards my younger siblings has become
one of more loving support and encouragement as opposed to the negative-style
upbringing that Katie and I were exposed to. We now understand that
our patterns are not our fault and that they are just patterns.
I see that a person with patterns needs love and support from their
family to be able to work through the patterns. Before the Process,
a pattern in my dad would trigger a negative response in one of
us, which only sent each of us further into our patterns! This awareness
has changed the way we relate to each other in every moment.
EW: Thank you all for your incredible insight
and honesty.
In New England, four members of one lucky family have completed
the Process. Hilary Illick and Pierre Valette are married with four
children, ages seven to 13. Hilary, who completed the Process in
2000, was the first in her family to attend.
 Having
been raised by parents who were on a path of spiritual and psychological
growth and healing, Hilary was not unaccustomed to a quest for self-awareness
and personal growth. She came to the Process with hopes of learning
to love herself as much as she loved others, and as much as she
sensed others loved her. Pierre attended the Process in 2004, wanting
to confront his “aloofness” and learn to live with less
anxiety – a condition that kept him from being fully present
in each moment.
Hilary’s brother, Christopher Illick, completed the Process
in June 2005 after seeing vast changes in how Hilary and Pierre
related to each other, to their children, and to others. Prior to
attending, Christopher sensed that he lived with an incomplete connection
to his happiness. He knew there was joy in his life, but he felt
it was somehow inaccessible – buried under layers of patterns
and childhood issues.
In July 2005, Christopher’s wife, Alison, signed up when
post-Process changes to Christopher were undeniable. While Alison
had been on a path of self-awareness and spirituality for many years,
she knew she could become less tense, more present, and more joyful
by challenging her patterns and learning new ways of relating to
herself.
I recently had the chance to talk with each of these Hoffman Graduates
to learn firsthand what the Process has meant to each and to their
family system.
Ellie: There seems to be a widespread assumption
that people come to the Process only when in crisis mode, but you
four seem to have used the Process as a tool to enhance your already
content lives. Is that true?
Pierre: Yes, for me it is. I wasn’t in
crisis when I attended the Process, but I was aware of patterns
that caused me to “check out” emotionally when things
became too stressful and anxiety producing. At Hoffman, I did a
lot of work to first understand, and secondly disconnect from those
patterns. Now when I get into a situation where I used to “check
out,” I can consciously remind myself to be focused and attentive
to those around me. That in itself has changed the nature of my
relationships dramatically – especially with Hilary and others
in the family.
Hilary: I didn’t go to the Process in crisis,
but with a desire to change some fundamental patterns. After the
Process I noticed how dramatically my role in my family of origin
had changed. Instead of acting out the tension or stress that came
up in certain situations when my family or origin got together,
I found a way to step aside from it. I have found many ways to communicate
and even to be an agent of change and healing in my family, particularly
in relation to my parents.
EW: Did you know going into the Process that
your relationship with your parents needed change and healing?
Hilary: Not really. But through it I learned
to release them from the grudges I didn’t even know I was
holding, and I feel unconditional love for them. I’m also
aware of receiving unconditional love from them.
EW: Christopher, how do you think having four
close family members as Process Graduates will change your family?
Christopher: I’m hopeful that since four of us went through
it, we’ll continue to connect from that place and hold onto
what we each learned. My relationship with each person has deepened
because of the shared Hoffman experience. Alison and I fell in love
again and I feel more present with our three boys. I do a better
job of simply letting them be kids. I have a stronger bond with
my sister and Pierre and I expect, with time, that the bond with
each will continue to deepen.
EW: Alison, how do you think your relationship
with your family and others has changed since the Process?
Alison: The sense of compassion I felt for everyone
during my eight days at Hoffman has carried over to others in my
life. When we did certain exercises – like Heart-to-Heart
– I felt such deep compassion and I got so clearly that we’re
all people on a similar quest – struggling to feel joy and
connection. I couldn’t help but feel intense connection with
everyone there and I took that feeling home with me. I see it at
work in all my relationships.
EW: Besides compassion for others, what’s
the most positive change to occur in you after the Process?
Alison: My access to spirituality and the spiritual
realm. I’ve always had spiritual moments and a spiritual yearning,
but I never knew how to deliberately step into the Light. After
the Process, I felt so excited because I thought, “Okay, I
can do this.” If I want to be in the Light I can make it happen.
I put the time in, use the tools, I clear away the dark side messages,
and I am in the Light. It’s amazing.
EW: It must be incredible to know that three
of the most important people in your life have found the Light as
well.
Alison: I adore living with this awareness and
knowing that Christopher, Pierre, and Hilary share it. It’s
such a huge gift!
EW: Thank you all so much for sharing.
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