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The Negative Love Syndrome
and
the Quadrinity Model©
A Path to Personal Freedom and Love
by Bob Hoffman
Adoption of, and Rebellion Against
Negative Love Patterns
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Written by Bob
Hoffman, this entire booklet offers substantial insights into
the principles on which The Hoffman Quadrinity Process is based. It
is available in its entirety via web links below, as a PDF
download and as a free printed booklet upon
request. |
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The
adoption of Mother's and Father's patterns of feeling and behaving
begins pre-verbally in Mother's womb and accelerated after birth.
The negative programming continues until puberty by which time we’ve
adopted — or rebelled against — virtually all of our parents'
and surrogate parents' behaviors, moods and attitudes. We then carry
them into adulthood as our own.
There are two basic ways we take on negative patterns, behaviors,
moods and admonitions:
1. Adoption
We unconsciously adopt our parents' traits and mirror them back to
be like them so they will love us. For example, when adopting the
negative trait of being "critical", one becomes self-critical,
critical of others, and/or sets it up for others to be critical of
him/her. (If it is a trait of both Mother and Father, it is doubly
devastating.)
2. Adoption + Rebellion = Conflict
Adoption of the trait plus Rebellion against it creates a push-pull
inner conflict.
We unconsciously adopt our parent's negative trait, but we dislike
the trait and its consequences. We then suppress overt expression
of that trait and our feelings about it. We learn to act out an
alternative behavior. This provides the illusion of freedom and
self-development.
To continue our example, if we adopted the trait of being critical
but at some point lost the taste for the attitudes and behaviors
that come into our lives as critical people, we then attempt to
be non-judgmental and accepting. Acting out the alternative, however,
does not quiet the negative voice within us. We are pulled in two
opposing directions. I refer to this as a push-pull conflict. Perhaps
on one occasion, we act out the adopted behavior, the next time
the alternative behavior. This seesawing creates even greater anxiety
and conflict.
Bear in mind that in order to be loyal to each parent, we must
play both roles, adopting each of their traits. For example, suppose
your Mother was quiet and placating. She never expresses anger.
Father, on the other hand, was hostile and aggressive. Outwardly,
you may behave like your mother, but the suppression of Daddy's
hostility is like a latent volcano rumbling inside, waiting for
the appropriate moment to erupt. Moreover you may be like Mother,
incompetent at dealing with anger but having angry people around
you.
Adoption and conflict are clearly demonstrated in extreme examples.
It is well documented that adult child abusers were themselves abused
children. In their agony they may vow, "When I grow up and
have children, I'll never hit them and be mean to them like my Mommy
and Daddy are to me." When they become adults and have children,
however, they are often unable to live up to these intentions and
end up lashing out and abusing their offspring.
While they are abusing their child, their own emotional child is
crying out subliminally to their Mommy and Daddy, "See, Mommy
or Daddy, I'm hurting and beating my child just like you hurt me.
I'm just like you. Now will you love me?" (And if they do manage
to control their tendency to abuse their own children, the compulsive
emotional drive behind this programming is channeled into other
forms of behavior that is hurtful to self or others.)
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Overview | TOC |
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| 4 | 5 | 6
| 7 | 8 | 9
| 10 | Author |
Notes
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