Like rays of light at dawn,
Trickling in over the horizon,
Revealing tracks in the snow,
Patterns, echoing over generations,
Entangling me in their dark and sticky web,
Slowly draining away all of my beautiful energy.
Damning me to a monochromatic existence,
Turning me into a phonograph record,
That’s forever stuck on one song,
I am unlovable,
I am not worthy,
I am not enough,
And, can never be enough.
Sucked in by this dark siren’s voice,
I doubt myself,
I crawl deeper into my shell,
I extinguish my inner light so that no one can find me,
And, as my spiritual self fades to gray,
I find myself in murky waters,
Bereft of love,
Devoid of companionship,
Manacled firmly to a black obsidian wall of shame,
A prisoner without a jail,
Where no one will ever hear my cries.
As my voice fails me,
As my sounds turn into whimpers,
Why am I so broken?
How does everybody else do it?
How did they learn the secret of living?
My family and friends try to reach me,
But I no longer listen,
Their love cannot cross the chasm of self-hatred,
Rendering me alone and afraid,
Hanging tightly, grasping at anything,
Anything that can give me the least bit of respite,
Work, drink, television, books, parties,
Anything to escape myself,
Anything to not be present in my body,
Anything to fill up the emptiness inside of me,
As the last grains of sand pour down the hole in my hourglass,
I resign myself to my fate,
I tell everyone that I’m fine,
I pretend to the whole world that I’m happy and yes, very successful,
I have lots of masks and am very adept at selecting just the right one for any occasion,
Like a chameleon, I blend into the background,
I have been doing this so long that,
I no longer remember my real face.
I no longer know how I look or feel.
Until the moment, when I find myself in a room,
Surrounded by strangers,
Cradling a pillow,
Shaped like a baby,
That becomes me.
In our long embrace,
I sense the joy and innocence,
Unsullied by patterns,
Operating freely and in touch with life.
As I hug my inner child with all my heart,
Something opens inside of me,
And, I reconnect with my spirit,
I erase and recycle my patterns,
I rewrite the stories I tell myself,
I become the hero of my own life.
In an act of defiance,
I grab the funhouse mirror of shame that’s distorting my perceptions;
And, I shatter it,
I break it into a million little pieces.
When I do, each sliver shows me that:
I am lovable,
I am worthy,
I am precious,
I am unique throughout all time.
I focus my awareness and choose to put the pieces back together,
To create a mosaic that’s all my own,
I don’t worry about the world or what it thinks,
Instead I go within and listen,
Better yet I feel,
I feel the pure love and joy I had as a child,
I feel the exhilaration that riding my bike down a steep hill brought me,
I feel the sun on my face and my lover’s kiss on my lips,
I embrace my soul,
I embrace myself,
And never let go.
In the waterfall of self-love,
I am reborn, again,
I am perfect just as I am right now.
I rise up and roar like a tiger,
I radiate love and kindness,
I surrender to awe, wonder, and bliss,
And I make my life magnificent.
The world is waiting,
For me to add my voice to the mighty choir,
I sing, dance, laugh and play,
Life is short,
But the love I give will go on forever,
I am the ripple of love that changes an ocean of indifference,
I am enough!
By Dan Hoffe, a.k.a., “Tiger” 12/17/2019
Dan Hoffe is a financial advisor in Sarasota, Florida. Dan attended the Hoffman Process in Connecticut from October 12-18, 2019. He can be reached at email@example.com.