Reflections On My Hoffman Process
By Micaela Bronstein
Before embarking on the Hoffman journey, I felt truly and utterly lost. I was a dark, wandering blob, heavy and weighed down by the intensity and pain of my fears and anxieties. I did not know where to go and what to do, or where my next step should be. I was at an impasse in my life, and it felt like everything was at a standstill. I had just come back to the U.S. after three years abroad, and I could not decipher the code of what to do next. I kept comparing myself to others around me, which filled my heart with “shoulds” and “should nots”, purely based on the outside. I had lost myself. I could not find my spiritual self, my essence. Or rather, I knew she was there but I had lost the ability to hear her, and my essence had forgotten how to speak. Her voice was muted and my ears were muffled. I could not find the right tool to set her free, to unscrew the lid.
I have now re-located the voice of my essence. I have found the strength to take off the lid, and my spirit has come pouring through. The light has spread like a river within me, the initial force so strong that I felt it physically. Like the levees breaking on a dam, the water of my spirit rushed to blanket every crevice of my body.
I feel replenished. This essence is the liquid I had starved my body of. It is the I.V. drip to quench my thirst, to revitalize my whole being. I had been dehydrated for far too long, too dizzy and lightheaded to seek the water that I needed and wanted.
The Process gave me that push to go look for the oasis in the desert. That final stretch. The power to reach deep when I thought it was a lost cause. I found my last reserves of energy and strength, and as my lips touched the water, my essence came alive, and started to feed itself with its own beauty and resilience.
I feel I have found myself again. I remember what I sound like, and this reunion has been full of comfort and joy, like meeting an old friend after years apart. I feel peace. I feel a new surge of energy and strength that I had long ago put to bed. The Process gave me the tools to dig myself back up, and I came out from underground, rejoicing and vowing that I am here to stay.
I feel the sheer power of compassion flooding my body. I had never experienced self-compassion, nor did I ever imagine the possibilities that could come from loving myself and forgiving myself. This is one of the most valuable things I learned from the Process – to love myself, to forgive myself, and to be compassionate for the mistakes I’ve made.
I unlocked a new rhetoric, a way to verbalize and identify my darkness and to then dispel it. With this labeling, this pattern I.D.-ing and tracing to uncover its origin, I am able to step back, examine, and then cut the rope, thus diminishing the power of the darkness. I learned to extract the patterns from my body, hold them in front of me, turn them from side to side as though examining a strange object, and to then disconnect from them. I am not my patterns. I am my spiritual self, of the light, and there are no dark patterns in here.
I have gained a deeper love for my parents. I have learned compassion, and from this place the love grows. I am not their patterns. They are not their patterns. They are not to blame. I see them now, in a new way. I see my mother, and I see my father, and I feel free.
I know that I will still get angry. I will still get frustrated. I still feel lost and confused. But I also feel compassion for myself, for feeling everything that I feel, good and bad, and therein lies the light. I feel strong in my light, confident in my essence. And I know that, slowly, I will start to find my way. In fact, I am already on my way. I already know where to lay my next step – right in front of me, on this beautiful Right Road.
And when I stray, I will look to my spiritual self and my spirit guide for help. As they gently place their hands on the center of my back, I will stand up straight, breathe, and dance on down the road with grace, beauty, and a new skip in my step.
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